I had a convo with the Mr. today, and it just made the day worse. We talked about how with baby #1, we had two large baby showers with tons of people who were oh-so-excited for the little to arrive. An ice cream bar and party favors-it was such a blast! I had tons of people show up while in the hospital to show love and support. People brought us snacks and magazines, and stayed until the wee hours of the morning. I think I had over half a dozen people in the actual delivery room with me as our little girl entered the world.
With baby #2, over half of my invites cancelled coming to the baby shower. I bawled my eyes out that entire morning. If it wasn't for one old friend convincing me to keep going, I would have just cancelled the entire thing. I had one friend show up in the hospital. Many promised to come...and never did-not even once we got home.
This baby? I'm not even wasting time or money on a baby shower cause I think I would have about 3 or four people (that includes my mom and sister) show up. Hospital visits? I'm banking even less than that. I know the hubs will be the only one in the delivery room since my mom has got to watch the kiddos. Over half of our driving distance family hasn't even seen me my entire pregnancy-why on earth would they come to the hospital?
This realization hurt quite a bit. I've been trying to brush it off for hours, but darn it-it sucks. I know that many think we are nuts for having three babies in 4 years but...I didn't think we would be so isolated. I would never imagine how lonely it can be celebrating such an amazing gift!
Facebook and Instagram do NOT help this predicament. Seeing the bazillion photos of baby or bridal showers and even weddings or birthdays packed with tons of smiling faces do me in. I am in a constant state of envy at how so many have these people who will drive or fly great distances to be apart of these special moments. I can't even get people to drive 10 minutes! My bridal shower consisted of one friend and the rest were family or friends of my mom's. (Yeah...pulling out my one piece of lingerie from big sis was quite the embarrassing moment.) I haven't had anyone celebrate my birthday with me for years...and a girls night out is just asking way too much, lemme tell ya!
I keep asking God, "What's the deal, man? Why doesn't anyone wanna come around?". But no answer. I try and make up excuses like- they're not real friends anyways, our house is too small for entertaining, its too far to drive, they have kids too, they have to work, etc. etc. etc. Anything to not come to terms that it may as well be us.
Not gonna lie-this pisses me off. In my eyes I'm a pretty awesome person. I try to bend over backwards for any friend that I have, but I think I tend to be a friend of convenience. Oh you know the one-you don't have any of your favorites to hang out with so you call that one person who's kinda okay but will always hang out even if you haven't called in 6 months? Or that one friend that you contact when you're stressed and need someone to vent to who is completely removed from the situation so that you don't have to speak to them once everything works out? Yuppers. That would be this gal.
Never in my life have I had an issue with fitting it. Being a military brat I went to over 16 different schools-and I made tons of friends each time. Even the short time in college I fit in. That all stopped once I moved here. Seems I'm at an all-time-low on the 'likeability" meter. I'm constantly on the outside looking in on the fun and fellowship and I hate it. I hate it even more that my kids have to suffer for it. I hate seeing my daughter cry each time my 8 and 9 year old niece and nephew leave because they're literally the only kids she has to play with-which only happens a few times a month.
I'm completely frustrated.
It ain't pretty folks, but that's the truth of it. I've written about this struggle for years, but its seriously the only way I know how to cope.
I only post this for the world to see to maybe let some other lonely reader know that I totally get it. Or even for the teen that doesn't fit in-I'm so there.
I didn't create this blog to only post the pretties in my life. I created it to show this constant journey that I'm on-and that includes all of the battles and their scars.