Each day I am constantly reminded that this path in life that I chose to take is definitely not a walk in the park. Most days are rough physically (now that its almost impossible to even bend over at this point) and emotionally (oh yeah, don't get me started). There are things that I love about my current situation and things that I despise. In true womanly nature-these things that I don't like seem to stress my mind out more than I can handle some days. Its the things that haunt me in the late hours and rob me of sleep and peace. Do you ever feel like this? Are there things in your life that seem to not resolve that eat at you in the worst way?
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." Psalm 34:17-20
I think this is one of the hardest parts of being a Christian-praying about something for long periods of time yet receiving no answer or relief. Pleading with the Lord about something that hurts but knowing that as the Father, He can see the bigger picture and must trust in that. Oh I can't tell you how troublesome this is for me. Day in and day out I struggle deeply with a certain situation that has not changed in over five years. To put it plainly-it sucks.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
I try to hold my head up. I try to "praise Him in the storm". I try to hold on to that part that says, "...joy comes in the morning." But its not long before this part of my life rears it's ugly face and I feel defeated. I seek out some sort of meaning to all of this-but nothing. I know that Jesus learned "hope through suffering" so maybe I have to learn this too? Or maybe this is my desert? Or maybe the peace I seek is my Rachel and I must work long years to obtain her. I honestly don't know. I have no answer.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Now, this is not to say that my entire life is engulfed by this bit of pain. Its not. I have too much to be thankful for. Instead, this burden sticks around like a crick in your neck. It hurts, but doesn't have to hinder your everyday function.
"And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You." Psalm 39:7