Thursday, November 15, 2012

Time to get real: My daily struggles


This evening has been one of reflection, and not necessarily on good things.

Do you even ponder about your life and think-
"Umm...what exactly have I done since high school?" or "Who in the world am I?" or "Does anyone really care?"

Yeah, I am having one of those moments. A moment where all my struggles are coming to the forefront and I am having an incredibly hard time dealing.

Just as a comment someone made set a rush of emotion that led to this post, seeing some old friends and spending too much time alone has led me here. Here, is a rough day with no comfort. Here, is feeling like the wall that is holding back tears is slowly crumbling. 

Let me share these struggles with you, just so I can get them off my chest. Maybe then, I can finally breathe.

1. I struggle with not being anyone's best friend.

This sounds COMPLETELY childish I know. But I honestly couldn't tell you the last time anyone ever thought of me as their go-to gal, their shoulder to cry on, or their shopping buddy. It's probably been since high school that someone called me first for advice, instead of last. I made a comment to my mom the other day, "I'll never be anyone's matron of honor..." I was kinda joking, but in reality-it's sooo true.

2. I struggle with so much time alone.

I LOVE being a stay at home mom. I can't imagine leaving my babies and I am incredibly thankful that God has given me the opportunity to stay home-but it's very lonely. In a small town where I don't fit it, I stare at the same four walls for days. I try and get out, but there's really nothing to do around here. I was just at Walmart until 1030pm with my 3 year old (mommy fail) walking around trying to clear my head. Occasionally I get to go out with my mom, and that's great, but I'd like to do mommy's day out, or mom groups, or play dates. My kids don't have the opportunity to play with other kids, and I hate that.

3. I struggle with giving in and opening up to people-only for them to walk away.

Lately, getting close to people hurts. I am terrified of opening up, so I do so very carefully. I must have not learned my lesson, cause no one sticks around.

I can't tell you how many times this happens and it SUCKS! I have people who act like they want to be around me, then all of a sudden I don't even get a text, message, or phone call. They just go 'poof'. This has happened so many times, it makes me question if I really want to meet new people or not.

4. I struggle with failing at everything that I try.

Since high school, I have tried really hard to not look like a slacker. When I was single-I worked super hard. While at Starbucks, I worked 6 or 7 days a week with 14 hour days driving an hour+ to work each day. I was extremely proud of myself. This was me trying to make up for the fact that I flunked out of college. Yup. I went from straight A's to dropping out-all over a guy. My first real break-up and I couldn't handle it. I laid in bed for days and missed all my exams...yeah, that's something to be proud of.

Now that I am a homemaker, I've tried to help out with finances. I've always dreamed of owning my own business.

Ummmm...I don't even wanna tell you how many attempts as this I've tried. I've invested a lot of money into small businesses, trying to get them off the ground (including this blog), only to completely wash out. And not that things got hard, but things just got impossible. Doors completely shut on me.
This of course made me think I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be, so I'd move on. Now I am just exhausted. The only thing I can think of that I am supposed to do is cook and clean. I'm okay with that, it's just that doesn't leave much room for an identity.

5. I struggle with the fact that I've gained so much weight-and I am having the hardest time getting it off.

This one is the worst. I've tried for 4 years to get this weight off. I do good when I have a support system, but that system has completely left me. 
No running partner, no one losing with me, etc.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to weight loss. Food is where I get comfort that I know I should be getting from God. But that of course, is the vicious cycle.

I do soooooooooo good when someone holds me accountable-but if I don't have friends here, that's kinda hard to do. 

My husband is wonderful, be he can never say no to me. Giving in is his way of loving me, and I'm not upset with that-it just doesn't help me ;)

This weight issue is crippling.

It has robbed me of what little confidence I had, and has ruined me.

I HATE seeing old friends and how marvelous they look after high school AND children. All the girls I hung out with still look the same, while I gained 80lbs. I became that mom that let herself go. Man, I NEVER dreamed that would be me. 

6. I struggle with being a Homemaker...or at least a good one.

I don't mean being a homemaker in general, but the tasks of a homemaker.

I have a hard time keeping up with everything. When cooking and cleaning is all that I really have, I tend to slack a bit. My children and husband are always taken care of-but with nothing "fun" to look forward to, some days I decide to just sit around. The cleaning and laundry will definitely be there tomorrow-and so will I. 


So there you have it.

My entire being poured out onto this one little post.

I've been holding this crap inside for so long that the lump in my throat has become a constant nuisance. Each day I feel like it's a chore to NOT break down and cry. 

I am not depressed by any means, just a bit confused. For so many years I was the "unique" and "special" girl with so much to offer. From ministries to dancing, from writing and huge amounts of friends...how to you adjust to life going from that to this?

I am not quite sure who "Dominique" is anymore. 

I have no unique qualities. I don't really do anything "cool" or "special". And I haven't succeeded in anything but producing offspring in the 8 years since I've been out of school.

I have brought  this pain to the Lord many, many times, but this is one thing I've never heard an answer on. 

This may sound harsh, but at times I feel that my identity was payment to be a homemaker. This is what I always wanted...I just thought there'd be others like me that we could grow together.



***Before you unclick being my subscriber, note that this is just a way for me to vent. I rarely do posts like this, but like I said-I don't have anyone to talk to, but if I don't get this out I think I might just freak out and do something crazy...like buy a bright red BMW and get my belly button pierced. :)


On a serious note, any prayers for clarity would be greatly appreciated. It's kinda been one of those days. 




27 comments:

  1. Girlie, please know that you are not alone. I am in tears, because those struggles you face are WAY more common than you may realize. It takes a HUGE amount of guts to open up.....and your honesty is so refreshing! Love you & you have my prayers! ♥ {hugs} :)

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  2. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is in this boat. I've had a hard time being alone and dealing with my identity. Until recently, I was too shy to join mama baby groups, and wouldn't make an effort to make friends. It's taken me 2 years of being lonely to finally push myself to get involved in something as small as library time. It's getting better, but I'm still lonely. I hope you can find some way to connect with other mamas.

    I admire you for writing this post. It leaves most feeling vulnerable.

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  3. Grr, my browser cut me off. Thank you for posting this. I feel like I have someone I can identify with, I struggle with a lot of these things, and it's hard for me to open up. You are wonderful, and I'll be praying for you.:)

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  4. Yikes! That is too much to carry around, glad you unloaded some of your load!
    Hang in there. It's that simple. Sometimes it's all you can do. I'll never forget the phrases "sometimes, God asks you to wait". The answers are never really clear, as to "why" and the wait hurts but it's all we can do. Keep on trusting that all this 'weight' will work itself out. And for record, I think you're beautiful!!!

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  5. I struggle with feeling inadequate as a mother because I work. I feel horrible when I snap at my kids just because I'm overwhelmed with work, school, and trying to maintain a social life. Keep pushing on and thanks for opening up about yourself. It allows other people to feel more comfortable about opening up about their struggles.

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  6. Ok, I just read your comment on Twitter and it's officially a God thing! When you said you were outside of Charlotte I automatically thought "A NEW FRIEND" and then I read this post!

    Girl, you have NO idea how NOT alone you are! I can completely sympathize with you on 1, 2, and 6!

    I've been a horrible best friend lately! I haven't had the time or made the time to connect with women like I should. I, too, want a friendship that lasts and encourages! You're not alone!

    I struggle with being alone with a TODDLER! Every day is hard when you're trying to entertain and can't find anything local to do. But, I wouldn't trade it for anything and I thank the Lord for such a blessing! Do you know how great it would be to be able to meet up once a week and GET OUT!? You're not alone!

    And, GIRL, I struggle with homemaking, too! We moved 6 months ago and I haven't even hung a picture! I wrote a post about struggling with homemaking and the expectations that come with it (http://homemakerschallenge.com/2012/11/09/overwhelmed-with-homemaking/)....you're not alone!

    So, all of this to say! I don't yet know where you are in NC...but let's make a point to try to get together and encourage one another! I'm so glad I found you!

    Christie
    http://satisfactionthroughchrist.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Ah-ha! There you are! lol I think a few months back you found me through a blog hop and left a super sweet comment on my page, and I went to your blog, but forgot to follow you. So I just swung by and started following. I apologize for the delay, but I was super busy at the time and got completely caught up and forgot. I'm in Charlotte as well. I could definitely use a mommy friend :) I think you, me and Dominique should meet up. Let me know if you're interested so we can set something up!

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  7. This is such an amazing post and I am SO proud of you for being able to put it all out there! It's really difficult. And funny thing is, I relate to so many of those points. I haven't had a best friend in...I don't know how long. I feel like I give up on everything because I am SO afraid of failing again. I struggle so much with opening up to people. And seriously...homemaking is not my strong suit (It's even in my about me section! Haha). I guess what I'm saying is...you're not alone! And if you ever want to "talk," I'm totally here for ya.

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  8. I just want to say thank you to Becky for pointing me your way... I struggle with these same things everyday. I feel the exact same about school, and then trying to make my home a better place for my family. I want you to know you are not alone! I am right here with you and I'm sure so are many other people. I think that if youdidnthave these thoughts, you wouldn't have a heart or a conscience. Thanks for sharing and I truly think God has sent many good people your way because of this post!
    Keep your head high, we are all behind you!!!

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  9. You are definitely not alone in this! All the areas you covered, I struggled with as well. We can go weeks without work, which leaves me at home. Staring at a pile of dirty clothes & an empty house. I never even started college & sometimes it hurts whenever I see all my other friends / peeps I went to HS with graduating. I chose to marry young & most of my friends are still single so it's very hard to relate to them.

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  10. I can relate to soooo many of the same issues that you're encountering. I know someone above mentioned that you live near Charlotte. I live here as well and would love to meet up with you. My best friend lives in Oklahoma. Her hubby is in the Army, so we only see each other once every 3-4 years, which sucks. I unfortunately have NO friends in Charlotte, so I would love, love, love to meet a new one.

    Let me know if you're interested. And don't give up! It will get better :) God never gives us more than we can handle.

    Reese

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  11. A few words from a veteran stay at home mom. I have been away from the work place for 16 years and oh my, are you not alone. I think that it is just par for the course. Some things that I learned are that not having a best friend or a group of friends is not so bad. It made me take a look at what I did have in my life. I found that I did have best friends, my husband and my mom. They may not come in the form that I was looking for but best friends they are. I have another best friend besides them now and that is my adult daughter. Of course I share different aspects of my life with each of them but they are still my best friends.

    The next thing I am hearing from all of you is the desire to do more and be more than "just a mom". You will be, just be patient. Right now you are training to become what God has for you in the days when you don't have a little one hanging on your leg. The best advice I have for you is to get involved in a good bible believing church and just start laying out, to the Lord the desires of your heart. It all will come and you will be busier than you can handle, having to learn to say "no".

    Don't give up on that great and impactful job that you have chosen to be, a mama. One day your children and your husband will rise up and call you blessed, as Proverbs 31 tells us.
    God Bless Ladies
    Jeannie

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  12. I can relate to almost all of this post. I used a website, Meetup dot com to find a mom group in my town. I have actually made a really great friend who has a daughter just two months younger. I love having her as a support. Check it out, they have groups for everything on there!

    Thanks for linking up to Raising Imperfection!
    Leslie
    www.violetimperfection.com

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  13. Wow...I teared up during this post. It can be so frustrating when you struggle with finding your true identity and not having a support system around you to vent to, cry with, laugh with (excluding your hubby.)
    These are the kind of posts that people love ~ it's when you show that you are vulnerable you tend to find the support systems you need.

    Head up mama ... I have no doubts you will get the support you need :)

    Thank you for linking to Raising Imperfection. Please come back Friday to see if you were featured! Happy Thanksgiving! :)

    Lanaya
    www.raising-reagan.com

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  14. We're created for community, it's totally natural that you have been feeling this way. I have some great friends in my community, but I find it's hard to prioritize time with them EVEN THOUGH it is SO important and life-giving! I pray you find some other women in your community who can breathe fresh life into you, and that you can prioritize time with them on a regular basis!

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  15. No 1 and 2, been there done that. When I was staying overseas I was really lonely only talked to walls definitely. I even made a plan on how to find friends :D
    I hope you will find the friends you need, and just be happy.

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  16. I had tried to post here yesterday, but I was having computer issues. Hope things get better for you soon. I have been there before, I think we all have.
    Thanks for linking with Raising Imperfection. Blessings to you.

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  17. Oh my goodness. I saw my younger self in so many of the things you struggle with. Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world. You are not alone. You are in my prayers. Please know that this phase of your life won't last forever, and that you will emerge from it a stronger woman.

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  18. I live near Tampa, Florida and I am struggling with the same exact things! In fact, I have been in the,hospital sibce Tuesday and have been combing thru webpages about being the idyllic "Proverbs 31" woman, wife and mother. I don't have a best friend, nor to I have any potential candidates around me, lol. I am suffering from depression due to this situation also. If anyone wants to communicate with me, my email is laurenweinberg411 at gmail dot com

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