This evening has been one of reflection, and not necessarily on good things.
Do you even ponder about your life and think-
"Umm...what exactly have I done since high school?" or "Who in the world am I?" or "Does anyone really care?"
Yeah, I am having one of those moments. A moment where all my struggles are coming to the forefront and I am having an incredibly hard time dealing.
Just as a comment someone made set a rush of emotion that led to this post, seeing some old friends and spending too much time alone has led me here. Here, is a rough day with no comfort. Here, is feeling like the wall that is holding back tears is slowly crumbling.
Let me share these struggles with you, just so I can get them off my chest. Maybe then, I can finally breathe.
1. I struggle with not being anyone's best friend.
This sounds COMPLETELY childish I know. But I honestly couldn't tell you the last time anyone ever thought of me as their go-to gal, their shoulder to cry on, or their shopping buddy. It's probably been since high school that someone called me first for advice, instead of last. I made a comment to my mom the other day, "I'll never be anyone's matron of honor..." I was kinda joking, but in reality-it's sooo true.
2. I struggle with so much time alone.
I LOVE being a stay at home mom. I can't imagine leaving my babies and I am incredibly thankful that God has given me the opportunity to stay home-but it's very lonely. In a small town where I don't fit it, I stare at the same four walls for days. I try and get out, but there's really nothing to do around here. I was just at Walmart until 1030pm with my 3 year old (mommy fail) walking around trying to clear my head. Occasionally I get to go out with my mom, and that's great, but I'd like to do mommy's day out, or mom groups, or play dates. My kids don't have the opportunity to play with other kids, and I hate that.
3. I struggle with giving in and opening up to people-only for them to walk away.
Lately, getting close to people hurts. I am terrified of opening up, so I do so very carefully. I must have not learned my lesson, cause no one sticks around.
I can't tell you how many times this happens and it SUCKS! I have people who act like they want to be around me, then all of a sudden I don't even get a text, message, or phone call. They just go 'poof'. This has happened so many times, it makes me question if I really want to meet new people or not.
4. I struggle with failing at everything that I try.
Since high school, I have tried really hard to not look like a slacker. When I was single-I worked super hard. While at Starbucks, I worked 6 or 7 days a week with 14 hour days driving an hour+ to work each day. I was extremely proud of myself. This was me trying to make up for the fact that I flunked out of college. Yup. I went from straight A's to dropping out-all over a guy. My first real break-up and I couldn't handle it. I laid in bed for days and missed all my exams...yeah, that's something to be proud of.
Now that I am a homemaker, I've tried to help out with finances. I've always dreamed of owning my own business.
Ummmm...I don't even wanna tell you how many attempts as this I've tried. I've invested a lot of money into small businesses, trying to get them off the ground (including this blog), only to completely wash out. And not that things got hard, but things just got impossible. Doors completely shut on me.
This of course made me think I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be, so I'd move on. Now I am just exhausted. The only thing I can think of that I am supposed to do is cook and clean. I'm okay with that, it's just that doesn't leave much room for an identity.
5. I struggle with the fact that I've gained so much weight-and I am having the hardest time getting it off.
This one is the worst. I've tried for 4 years to get this weight off. I do good when I have a support system, but that system has completely left me.
No running partner, no one losing with me, etc.
I am my own worst enemy when it comes to weight loss. Food is where I get comfort that I know I should be getting from God. But that of course, is the vicious cycle.
I do soooooooooo good when someone holds me accountable-but if I don't have friends here, that's kinda hard to do.
My husband is wonderful, be he can never say no to me. Giving in is his way of loving me, and I'm not upset with that-it just doesn't help me ;)
This weight issue is crippling.
It has robbed me of what little confidence I had, and has ruined me.
I HATE seeing old friends and how marvelous they look after high school AND children. All the girls I hung out with still look the same, while I gained 80lbs. I became that mom that let herself go. Man, I NEVER dreamed that would be me.
6. I struggle with being a Homemaker...or at least a good one.
I don't mean being a homemaker in general, but the tasks of a homemaker.
I have a hard time keeping up with everything. When cooking and cleaning is all that I really have, I tend to slack a bit. My children and husband are always taken care of-but with nothing "fun" to look forward to, some days I decide to just sit around. The cleaning and laundry will definitely be there tomorrow-and so will I.
So there you have it.
My entire being poured out onto this one little post.
I've been holding this crap inside for so long that the lump in my throat has become a constant nuisance. Each day I feel like it's a chore to NOT break down and cry.
I am not depressed by any means, just a bit confused. For so many years I was the "unique" and "special" girl with so much to offer. From ministries to dancing, from writing and huge amounts of friends...how to you adjust to life going from that to this?
I am not quite sure who "Dominique" is anymore.
I have no unique qualities. I don't really do anything "cool" or "special". And I haven't succeeded in anything but producing offspring in the 8 years since I've been out of school.
I have brought this pain to the Lord many, many times, but this is one thing I've never heard an answer on.
This may sound harsh, but at times I feel that my identity was payment to be a homemaker. This is what I always wanted...I just thought there'd be others like me that we could grow together.
***Before you unclick being my subscriber, note that this is just a way for me to vent. I rarely do posts like this, but like I said-I don't have anyone to talk to, but if I don't get this out I think I might just freak out and do something crazy...like buy a bright red BMW and get my belly button pierced. :)
On a serious note, any prayers for clarity would be greatly appreciated. It's kinda been one of those days.