That's how I am going to be right now. Just a bit negative. Don't freak out, I feel this is actually going to be a healthy venting session, so bare with me.
I went to my Hunger Games party this weekend. It was wonderful. The food. The company. The movie. I loved it all. What didn't I like? Me.
Yup. I got all dolled up, and for a brief second-I felt great. Until I realized something-I was the fat one in the group-again. Looking around and seeing all of my beautiful friends, (friends I grew up with, and whom I was always the fat one with) I got struck with the kind of insecurity I had all throughout puberty when the baby fat just wouldn't go away. I just wanted to run. I wished I wouldn't have shown up. I wished I could have just curled up in a hole and not be bothered. Sounds extreme, but it was a hard reality and it sucked.
The worst part of it all? TONS of pictures were taken. Tons that are all over Facebook and I can do nothing about it. I was completely nauseated at the thought of having to see myself in these pictures.
Please don't think this is a pity party. It isn't. It's honestly a slap in the face mixed in with a bit of a wake up call. Apparently my road to being healthy hasn't been going so well.
I am tired of being the "fat friend". I am tired of being so embarrassed of myself to the point of being physically sick. I am tired of comparing myself to others. I am tired of not loving myself which in turn hinders being able to love others completely.
My issue with food runs so deep. Exercising is not my problem. I love to exercise. But its obvious I love food much more.
I have never been quite in love with the way I look, but I have never hated it as much as I do know. It's highly unhealthy. At this moment, I could not tell you one physical feature I like, let alone love, about myself. Its all I think about. It messes me up.
But it is a new day. I know that I don't have to live like this. I don't have to stay being the fat one. I CAN look just as pretty as the other girls, I just have to work harder. I want to work harder. I was to love the body that God created-and stop hating the one I did.
I needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.