Sunday, March 25, 2012

Negative.

That's how I am going to be right now. Just a bit negative. Don't freak out, I feel this is actually going to be a healthy venting session, so bare with me.

I went to my Hunger Games party this weekend. It was wonderful. The food. The company. The movie. I loved it all. What didn't I like? Me.

Yup. I got all dolled up, and for a brief second-I felt great. Until I realized something-I was the fat one in the group-again. Looking around and seeing all of my beautiful friends, (friends I grew up with, and whom I was always the fat one with) I got struck with the kind of insecurity I had all throughout puberty when the baby fat just wouldn't go away. I just wanted to run. I wished I wouldn't have shown up. I wished I could have just curled up in a hole and not be bothered. Sounds extreme, but it was a hard reality and it sucked.

The worst part of it all? TONS of pictures were taken. Tons that are all over Facebook and I can do nothing about it. I was completely nauseated at the thought of having to see myself in these pictures.

 Please don't think this is a pity party. It isn't. It's honestly a slap in the face mixed in with a bit of a wake up call. Apparently my road to being healthy hasn't been going so well.

I am tired of being the "fat friend". I am tired of being so embarrassed of myself to the point of being physically sick. I am tired of comparing myself to others. I am tired of not loving myself which in turn hinders being able to love others completely.

My issue with food runs so deep. Exercising is not my problem. I love to exercise. But its obvious I love food much more.

I have never been quite in love with the way I look, but I have never hated it as much as I do know. It's highly unhealthy. At this moment, I could not tell you one physical feature I like, let alone love, about myself. Its all I think about. It messes me up.

But it is a new day. I know that I don't have to live like this. I don't have to stay being the fat one. I CAN look just as pretty as the other girls, I just have to work harder. I want to work harder. I was to love the body that God created-and stop hating the one I did.

*Sigh*

I needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.




6 comments:

  1. Dom, I saw your pictures and you were/are beautiful. I know others feel the same way, but unfortunately that will not change how YOU feel about YOU. I totally relate to everything you just said. Can't wait to see you Tuesday and get back to our journey.
    Much love to you, my BEAUTIFUL friend that God made!!!

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  2. You DO look as beautiful as the other girls! I saw the Facebook pictures and you looked AWESOME. Seriously, awesome. I understand the feeling though. My sister is built tiny and has a small frame and no matter how much I exercise/eat healthy I'm never going to get that small. I don't mind though. I don't need to be tiny! Just healthy! That's all you need to worry about, just taking care of the beautiful body God gave you. The end!

    And P.S. I HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE YET!!!! My sister was going to come watch Carter so Tom and I could go, but she had tons of homework and couldn't make it. I guess i just get to keep looking forward to it!! haha :)

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  3. I know there's not much I can say to make you feel better about all of this. But just so you know you looked great. In all of the pictures you post you look beautiful. You may not look like your friends but thats the best part is you do not need to look like them to be beaitufil. We all have things about us that we do not like or wish was differnt but you know what we cannot do much about them so love it. and let it be what makes you who you are :D . As for the being healthy thing not working. Being healthy does not mean you are gonna be a skinny mini ( because most of the time that is not healthy at all) Hang in there mama. Keep up your healthy ways. And stay beautiful :D I Love you!!!!

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  4. DJ- I love you! Something that came as a revelation to me awhile back (regarding my former bad eating habits...which included more sugar in a week than a person should have in a year), that has been an encouragement to me ever since, is the verse that says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is...self-control." (Gal 5) I knew that I had the Holy Spirit living inside of me and it was totally within God's power to produce His fruit in my life...I knew that God had set me free in other areas, and this was another one that I was no longer bound to...I just had to change my thinking on it. So, now when I am tempted to go overboard, God reminds me that I have self-control and that I can say "no" to that temptation. You are a beautiful woman of God, inside and out, and I know He has given you victory in this area. Satan wants us to obsess over our past failures, but God says that today is a brand new day, and now is the time of His favor. You will do this!

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  5. This so perfectly fits how I feel when I go out with my friends that I almost could have written it myself. I feel beautiful at home, I know my Husband loves me for what i am, but even the thought of being in public makes me sick. I too had a wake up call, my own 'slap in the face' when we decided to video tape Christmas last year. I have been working non-stop sense then. I have yet to lose more then 5 pounds but I keep telling myself that I know I am doing something about & trying. That's what matters to me. Good luck Sweety! Keep your head up & know that your trying is what really matters. Don't let yourself get discouraged, ask God for a renewal of heart when you feel like breaking down & giving up.

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